70000 Tons of Metal 2024 Review Recap Part I

70000 Tons of Metal 2024: Valhalla (Deliverance)

By Tom Mis

HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE THE BOAT

Everything about 70000 Tons of Metal sounds completely made up. Sixty bands, two sets per band, across four venues on a massive cruise ship. But it’s not just The Skipper’s fever dream, it’s very much reality, as he and his team organizes this completely unhinged event year after year.

I wasn’t sold on it immediately when the idea was first presented to me by my wife around 2015 or so. It wasn’t until after Holy Moses canceled their appearance at Saint Vitus Bar in New York (which would’ve been an incredibly special and rare show, given that the band never comes to the US), that I was convinced to book a cabin on the boat that year. Among the sixty bands was Holy Moses, and I figured it was now or never – if I missed this, I might not ever see them again. And considering they hung up their bullet belts in 2023, I was right – they never did come back around to the states, but I have two precious sets to look back on fondly thanks to 70000 Tons of Metal. (All hail Sabina, the true metal queen!)

On day one of the cruise in 2016, I was full of nervous energy. We flew to Florida, boarded the ship (the Independence of the Seas), and started learning our way around the boat and the various venues. There’s a total of four on board, which for simplicity we’ll refer to as the Theater, Ice Rink, and Lounge. They were building the final stage on the top deck of the boat overnight (the Pool Deck stage, with three hot tubs to watch the show from), so all of the day one shows were held indoors. Fifteen minutes after the muster safety drill, we were in the Lounge (the smallest venue on board) awaiting Carach Angren. We were stuck in the back. We couldn’t see shit. And then someone suction cupped a massive dildo to the ceiling and folks would take turns batting at it during the set. While my wife loves Carach Angren, their particular brand of black metal wasn’t really my jam, and a giant dildo was aggressively swaying with the motions of the boat.

So with all of this in mind, I asked myself – did I make a terrible mistake? 

The answer, thankfully, was no. I made one of the absolute best decisions of my life, and 2024 marks cruise number five for me. If it weren’t for a couple of significant life milestones and a global pandemic, it would’ve been eight, but all in due time.

Welcome to 70000 Tons of Metal 2024, headlined this year by Sodom, My Dying Bride, Epica, Blind Guardian, and Kataklysm, with dozens of other bands and non-stop metal from 10am to 6am with 2,999 other cruisers (or “Survivors” as we’re affectionately called). Sleep is for the weak (unless you pass out in the hall or at a stage, in which case you’re a hero), the bar never closes, and the hot tub is where the circle pit is.

DAY 01 – FUCK YOUR BOAT

January 29th, 2024

The early birds started showing up on board around noon – unnecessarily early, given that the cutoff isn’t until at least 3 in the afternoon. Lots of these folks have just come from the unofficial Heavy Metal Beach Parties that were being thrown for the past few days, and some are arriving straight from the airport (risky!). The makeup of the boat is heavily German, American, and Canadian, but it’s reassuring that everyone on board is there for the same reason. 

The English pub on the fifth deck is filling up before we’re anywhere near departure time, and will remain full for the next four straight days. Generally speaking, if you were looking to run into My Dying Bride’s vocalist Aaron Stainethorpe, there was a good chance you could find him here – same goes for most of the Brits on board. As we were hanging out on the upper pool deck over a beer, we watched another cruise ship pull into the port. Naturally, the Survivors are already hyped up and start chanting “YOUR BOAT SUCKS” and “FUCK YOUR BOAT,” depending on which group you happened to be standing near. We know they can’t hear us. Once it gets close enough, we realized it was the Independence of the Seas – the boat that faithfully hosted 70000 Tons of Metal half a dozen times or more – but still, we had a point – their boat sucks (we’re now cruising on the Freedom of the Seas – a slight variation the Independence that’s virtually identical – there’s a good chance we’ll sail on the Independence again in the future!). 

After quadruple checking that everyone has done their safety check-in, the boat departs Miami around 5pm and the first bands are scheduled no less than 15 minutes into the voyage. We opted to kick it off with Folk Metal mainstays Heidevolk in the Ice Rink, which has been completely overhauled into a proper venue with a floor for your mosh pits (or rowing pits, in the case of Heidevolk). Sure, they barely have any songs in English and I can’t understand a thing, but this doesn’t stop anyone from having a good time, especially as they launch into “Vulgaris Magistralis” – technically a cover, but also one of the most fun songs in their catalog.

HEIDEVOLK

Half the appeal of 70000 Tons of Metal is the diversity of bands – we made our way over to the Lounge to see Crypta, the blackened death offshoot of Fernanda Lira and Luanna Dametto, formerly of Nervosa. They’re clearly too popular for the tiny Lounge, now overflowing with fans, and that’s before the pit even breaks out. I want to be super clear that when the Lounge is packed, there’s no room for a pit. Every time it opens up, it’s closed again by the sheer mass of bodies that simply need to occupy that space, which in turn is interpreted as more moshing, and thus the cycle continues. Though they’re a newer band, all four members can outplay most of the other bands on this ship, especially Fernanda herself on both vocals and bass, one of the most dynamic bandleaders on board.

After Crypta, we ran to Kataklysm in the Theater, who had two very special sets planned for this year. The first set was the entirety of Serenity in Fire, the band’s breakthrough record, and the pit for “As I Slither” probably rocked the boat more than the ocean itself. 

KATAKLYSM

Realizing we’re three shows deep and starving, we opt for shoveling pizza into our mouth as quickly as possible on Deck 5 before heading back to the theater for the rest of the evening. 

Up next is The Halo Effect, and though they’ve only got one full length out in the world at the moment, played almost every cut from it along with some new tracks. Vocalist Mikael Stanne lives up to his reputation, not only as one of the best voices in the genre, but as a genuinely awesome human being. Between singing for three bands (Dark Tranquility and Grand Cadaver), it’s almost a personal mission of his to play on board every year (the Skipper does not allow bands to play two years back to back).

HALO EFFECT

We then waited for the evening’s main event from the comfort of our seats behind the floor that becomes the pit: Blind Guardian. Their set, while as polished and engaging as they’ve ever been, came at a cost. It meant missing Aborted in the Ice Rink, who premiered a brand new album live, which directly overlapped in time. That being said, there’s always another chance to catch Aborted, but most bands tend to plan multiple sets for the diehard fans rather than play the same set twice.

At this point, it’s nearly 1am, and folks start passing out from sheer exhaustion or from having a bit more to drink than they planned. And so 70000 Tons of Naps begins, as we scoot past a man who fell asleep in the theater mid-set. But I don’t blame him one bit – there’s so much to see. At this point I actively made the decision to nap for two hours in order to wake up at 3am in time to see Hungarian Folk Metal band and 70k veterans Dalriada in the Theater. Yes, I set an alarm for 2:45am to catch a band at 3am. This isn’t even the most extreme example on this trip. After dancing like I was an extra in Midsommar, I finally went to bed properly at 4am, closing out day one.

DALRIADA

This piece is a 4 part piece. Check back for Part 2 Coming soon!!